
I awoke before dawn, waiting for the light, hoping for it as a deliverance, a fragile promise that the world, despite everything, still held together. It never came. The night deepened, and the silence in the room became so profound it hummed, a void replacing all other sounds, as if the world itself had forgotten to awaken.
I awoke before dawn. I know this because I was waiting for the light. I hoped for it as a deliverance, a fragile promise that the world, despite everything, still held together. It never came.
I lay there, eyes wide open in an abnormal darkness, anchored in a black so dense it seemed to have weight, a substance. A shroud laid upon my open eyelids. I was convinced it was a mistake. A simple delay. A cloud thicker than the others, a caprice of the sky. The world cannot forget to rise, I thought. There are rules. Immutable cycles carved into the stone of time. There are mornings.
Yet, the night did not yield. On the contrary, it thickened. The silence in the room had become so profound that it hummed in my ears, an absent sound that replaced all others. The ticking of the alarm clock on the bedside table seemed to have given up too.
I got up. The cold of the floor bit my bare feet, a sharp, real bite, reminding me that I was still here. The house itself seemed to hold its breath, as if hesitant to continue existing without the validation of day. I walked through the hallway without turning on the lights, each step a memory, each meter an entire life. The wooden floorboards no longer creaked in the same way. They groaned, now.
His door was ajar.
A sliver of nothingness in the wall. I didn't have the strength to push it open. I didn't have the courage to face what the darkness had already conquered. There was nothing to see that my heart didn't already know. Light should have slipped under the curtains, tracing that pale line on the floor, that golden path I sometimes followed with my gaze, imagining it grow. It should have deposited a little stardust on his desk, on his unfinished drawings. There was nothing. Only an inky black, without nuance, that swallowed shapes and memories, that digested the past.
I thought: the sun did not rise.
Then, even sharper, like a shard of glass in my chest: it is I who no longer rise.
The day before, voices whispered around me. Benevolent shadows in a world that still made sense. Hands rested on my shoulders, dead weights I could no longer feel. Words were offered to me, sliding over my skin without ever entering. Courage. Time. Accept. Smooth words, polished by use, empty of all substance. Empty shells.
There is no verb to express what inhabits me. There is a hole. An absolute void, with clean edges, like a surgical wound. And all around, the absurd decor of our life still stands. On the kitchen table, a forgotten bill waited, its due date in bold. A payment request addressed to a world that no longer existed. The contrast was so grotesque it became obscene.
There are hours when the light withdraws. Not from forgetfulness. Not from caprice. It withdraws as the sea withdraws — slowly, inexorably — laying bare what had always been hidden beneath the surface. The black rocks, the forgotten carcasses, the secrets of the deep. There was a time when the sky ignited without warning. A stone fell from the sky, a messenger of silence. The world's clarity was covered in ash, a grey veil over the face of things. Days became night in broad midday. Life trembled in its deepest roots, sensing the end of its reign. It was believed that all was over. That the great clock had stopped. The earth said nothing. It waited. It knows how to wait.
I didn't sleep. Sleep is a luxury for those who still hope for an awakening. I got up long before her, moving through the house as one crosses a field of ruins, careful not to disturb anything further. Every object was a mine ready to explode with memories. I did not look at his door. Averting my eyes had become a survival mechanism.
I opened the shutters. A mechanical gesture, inherited from another time. Nothing. The sky was an opaque metal plate, closed in on itself, without stars, without moon, without the slightest promise of a dawn. A condemnation.
I checked the time, again and again. On my watch, on the oven, on my phone. The numbers advanced, indifferent, cruel in their precision. The world kept counting. Time continued to tick away, a metronome for a heart that no longer beat.
My mind clung to explanations. An atmospheric phenomenon. A volcanic eruption on the other side of the world. An unforeseen eclipse. An anomaly. There must be a cause, I repeated to myself. A cause can be fought. A breakdown can be repaired. An enemy can be named.
I caught myself hoping for a global catastrophe. Something big enough to justify this blackness. Something as immense as our loss. A nuclear war. The fall of an asteroid. For the whole world to share our grief, to be forced to stop with us.
I saw her, sitting on the floor in the kitchen, a shadow against the wall. A curled-up form that had absorbed all the darkness of the room. I did not say her name. Words are tools, and that one no longer had a function. It belonged to a world where the sun still rose, a world of projects and laughter.
I approached the window, forehead pressed against the icy pane. The cold bit my skin, a welcome pain. The world did not rise, I thought. Then the correction, burning like acid: the world rose, but without him. And this normality was the supreme insult. The world continued, indecently, as if nothing had broken. Cars passed in the street, their headlights sweeping our facade like inquisitive eyes. The lives of others went on.
Anger rose, not like a wave, but like slow lava. A dull pressure in my chest, in my clenched fists. Why him. Why us. Why now. I clenched my jaw until it ached. My fist rose, trembled a few centimeters from the wall, then fell back, heavy, useless. I couldn't even shatter this silence that mocked me, this silence that carried his absence in triumph.
To stand upright. That was all I still knew how to do. A pillar in a house of ashes.
Then came the anger and the fire. The earth opened in its middle, revealing its incandescent entrails. Mountains spat their fury towards a sky that did not respond. Oceans were covered in shadow and ash, and the water began to boil. What had dominated collapsed in a single night. What seemed invincible was swept away like dust in the ill wind. Life lost almost everything. Almost.
The days that followed were but one stretched-out night, a suspended time that knew neither dawn nor dusk. We were two strangers in a museum of our own lives. Every object was a relic charged with an unbearable aura. The breakfast cup. The coat hanging on the peg. Every silence, a contained scream, a howl that could not find its way out.
We passed each other without seeing, each imprisoned in their own darkness, two dead stars in the same collapsed solar system.
Anger had retreated, exhausted, giving way to a pure, heavy, liquid pain that had no words. Only a weight. The weight of his absent laughter in the living room. The weight of his steps that would no longer climb the stairs. Sometimes, opening a cupboard, the scent of his apple shampoo still lingered, a ghostly presence ambushing us. The weight of a future amputated by one hand, of a tomorrow that had become forbidden territory.
We were no longer a refuge for each other. We had become the constant mirror of what was missing. My grief struck hers like two flints, producing not sparks, but more blackness. Her silence accused mine. The love that had built us, brick by brick, became the quicksand in which we sank separately.
We cried, but never together. One's tears seemed a betrayal of the other's strength, a weakness one could not afford to show. We were two solitudes sharing the same roof, united by catastrophe, but already separated by it. Two desolate islands in an ocean of common sorrow.
After the fury, the silence. The dust slowly settled, grain by grain, on an unrecognizable world. The embers quieted, giving way to a cold that came from the depths of the earth. The night lasted a long time. Very long. It was believed that life had vanished forever. That the last seed had frozen. But in the deepest shadow, where no eye looked anymore, a crack opened in the calcined rock. In the crack, something persisted. Something minuscule. Obstinate. Incomprehensible. Life did not return. It began anew. Differently.
One morning — which one, we could not say, for days no longer had names — a nuance appeared on the horizon. Not a light. Not a promise. Just a difference in the black. A grey line, fragile, obstinate, that refused to disappear. A tear in the black velvet of the sky.
We watched it, each from a different side of the window. Without a word. He was in the doorway of the living room, she in that of the kitchen. Two statues looking at the same point on the horizon, separated by all the distance in the world.
It was not the return of the old world. It was the beginning of another. A world where joy would forever be tinged with melancholy, where happiness would be a rare flower growing on a bed of ashes.
The light erased nothing. It healed nothing. It illuminated the ruins. It gave contours to our pain, making it tangible, almost solid. One could see it, touch it. It was part of the landscape.
Absence ceased to be a gaping chasm sucking everything in. It became a place. A secret and silent garden, an inner space we could visit. A place populated by memories that no longer hurt in the same way. The acute pain had transformed into a gentle sadness, a constant but bearable presence.
On the windowsill, a small wooden car remained. Neither he nor I had had the strength to remove it. Our gazes met in the reflection of the glass, and we saw the same thing: we had become, for each other, the face of absence. The constant reminder of the wound. To survive, we had to stop seeing that mirror.
Our paths diverged. Slowly. Without a crash. Without anger or reproach. Like two boats that, after the storm, drift in different directions, pushed by invisible currents.
To leave to continue. To separate so as not to die together.
The sun rose to continue. A new sun, paler, more distant. And so did we. Separately.
Life does not adhere to a single form. It passes. It insists. It seeks the flaw in the stone. It never returns identical to what it was. It does not replace. It does not fill the void. It begins anew, differently. Slowly. With ash as soil. With the memory of the night as its root.
Author — philosophievivante.com
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